A Chrismas gift for the Men.

Christmas is here! Period, end quote. And we are at the, yes, the very center of holiday celebration, Advent. Listen up now.  Do not let the Christian connotation of Advent trouble you, although we treat the Lenten season like the Advent season and vice-versa, don’t worry, self inspection spiritually will do just fine in the spring. So what’s up, you ask?  Revelation one week later.  Following Christmas is …………………New Years!! The big score, the grand Kahuna of the year end blow. Fellow men, young fathers, single and/or stifled, you’ve suffered immensely whether solo or hitched, young married or family building. From Thanksgiving to Christmas you toiled for family and friends, company and bosses, and now, yes now the night is arriving. Celebrating with wife, blind date, (blind-blind-date, you know the one you met on the internet, first times a charm?), or maybe, just maybe a simple mixer invite, to meet and greets.  First date from a holiday party where ‘I think we like each other’, obviously cheered onwards by a minimum of 27mutual friends, and now its second date for New Years?  Heads up my fellow men, heads up.

I have insight…………………………

The summer past the stately and everlasting gentlemen’s magazine, “Esquire”, put forth a simple plea to females around the country. Would you please ladies, old and young and elsewhere give us your thoughts on men and relationships. Deal breakers, habits, and deal closers, forgotten gestures. From what is rude, to you don’t have to read my mind, I’m with friends and yeah, I like the football game and I’m not here to be picked up. What is stupidity and what is endearing, truly? Yes truly please tell us and we will share with our men readers. The ladies were quick and complete in their responses. I beg you to read forth from a few dozen I gleamed, they are of, from and by the opposite sex.

I see no need to categorize them, from bedroom or bar etiquette, to what really matters to me. Treat them with the respect and tone the women were so gracious to respond in. Many are simple. Such as the homage, ‘some women are city born and raised and well, the rugged countryside sounds nice, she like a older grandmother prefers the comforts of her city life’.

Before you begin, a quote from the master epicurean, author, host, and world traveler Anthony Bourdain……..” Escalators are meant to speed up your travel and therefore one should walk on them not ride. So move you ass.”

A clue.

We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again: The best pickup line is “Hi, my name is ___. What’s yours?”

If you’re shit-talking your ex, her friends, her pets, or her job, we wonder what you might say about us someday.

Your super-close relationship with your mother freaks us out.

If she tells you to never call her again and hangs up on the phone with you, there is a fifty percent chance your girlfriend will be waiting near her phone for you to call her.

Don’t comment on how much or how little we eat.

It’s fine if you don’t like our friends. What’s really important to us is that they like you.

When we cry and you don’t know why, just know this: We’ll be back shortly.

If you’re not a professional athlete, how good you are at sports matters very little to us.

There is nothing cute, interesting, or worthwhile about self-deprecation. If you don’t think you are worth my time, neither will I.

We can tell when the gift was purchased at the last minute. But we still like it.

Life gets so busy, sometimes it’s nice to have someone to make choices for you. Even if it is just the Friday night movie.

Please be the man we know and love, even when we’re at a barbeque reunion with your frat brothers.

There is nothing sexier than following through. If you say you’re going to do something, please do it.

Girls like to whine. It’s a fact.

Sometimes we think we’re in love, and then we see your Facebook profile.

You have the power to make us feel like the only girl in the room. Use it wisely (and often).

Some of us keep imaginary tallies in our head. “He keeps Diet Coke at his apartment because he knows I love it: 5 points. He’s liberal: 10 points. He brought me soup when I was sick: 15 points. He made banana pancakes: infinity points.” Your kindness is noted, appreciated and will be rewarded.

When we are truly angry, we go silent. That is your opportunity to apologize, or run. Neither will save you.

We want you to never stop hunting us. Even if we married you. Remember why you got the gig. Don’t make the trailer the only fun in the whole production. That’s misleading.

We don’t like it when you pull your shirt off from the front. Be a man and pull it over your head from the back.

You only get to ask once about the threesome.

Please remember that if we hang out with a bunch of guys, it doesn’t make us one.

We love the un-expected kiss. Especially the one when you stop us midsentence and make us forget what the hell we were talking about in the first place.

Electronics clipped to your pants are sexy only if you’re Batman, Superman, or any other kind of man who needs them to save lives, not send e-mail.

Presentation counts. Wrap your gift and iron your shirt.

Sometimes we like to drive.

Your waiting in the car to make sure we got through the door okay never gets old to us.

When we are in a large crowd, hold our hand as if you don’t want to lose us.

We can read you like a book, so if something is wrong or bothering you, don’t be afraid to share it. It saves us the trouble of having to spend all day guessing.

No, we don’t always magically know where the remote is.

If we’re brushing your leg up and down, don’t sit and talk with your friends for twenty more minutes. Time’s up!

We put in a relationship absolutely everything we want you to give back.

We like to talk a lot, so even if you don’t really care about what we’re saying, fake it. That’s what we do when you talk about trading players in whatever fantasy sport you’re always talking about.

We know when you don’t know the answer to our question, but it’s sort of endearing when you fake it.

There is something really sexy about smiling when you kiss us.

We are really more forgiving after fights than we let on.

If we had to make the first move, you will be reminded of it for the rest of our relationship.

If we’re at a sports bar during a big game, don’t hit on us. We’re watching the game.

Getting riled up at a restaurant turns us off.

We love the smell of your deodorant so much that some of us wear it.

We remember every detail about a relationship. Every. One.

We like safe drivers. High-speed chases only impress us when they involve Vin Diesel.

Stop worrying about why we take so long in the bathroom. Think of it as uninterrupted free time to watch Sports Center.

We appreciate when you can admit you’re wrong, but we also don’t want you to say sorry too much.

We secretly wish that we could rock out in our eighties hair-band t-shirt and ripped jeans sometimes too. We just don’t try to revive the trend at the neighborhood barbeque.

Always assume that what we contain in our purses is very necessary. When you need insect repellent, a Band-Aid, safety pins, or a moist towelette, you’ll be grateful.

Sometimes we rely on your mother to say what we’ve been thinking. (Like: “You look like a slug in that shirt.”)

“Chuck Norris would do it” is not an excuse for bad behavior.

Don’t be surprised that we have condoms in our top dresser drawer. Be happy.

Sometimes we just wear nice clothes and makeup for no other reason than to look good.

No matter how much we love you we will never care what level you’ve gotten to in Call of Duty.

The way we feel about your kisses on the back of our necks: Think ice cream in August.

We’ll never understand why you slap each other’s butts when you’re playing sports. And that’s okay.

Everything sounds better when whispered close to our ear.

Glasses are to women what lingerie is to men. That’s right: Bookish is that sexy.

We love to cry, and we always feel better after a big sob fest. How much better? Pull down your pants.

Sometimes wingmen can do more harm than good, so be brave: do it alone.

Those little nonsensical arguments, for us, are fun. They give us a chance to see how you deal with things.

One-armed hugs means we’re friends. Two-armed hugs show you care. Squeezing the hell out of us says you love us.

Where do we put on perfume? Where we wish to be kissed.

If you plan a date a week in advance, we’ll spend the next seven days planning our outfit. Starting from the second you hang up the phone.

Yes, we moisturize and walk around the house naked with rubber gloves on when you’re not around.

You aren’t the only gender that can appreciate a big booty.

Quote movies only when absolutely necessary. We like your own words better than those of that old guy on the bridge in Monty Python’s The Holy Grail.

We think the clean-laundry smell of you in your undershirt is a thousand times more appealing than even the best cologne.

We agonize over text messages. For instance, a one-word response means you’re not interested. Right?

Even if we look sad, don’t tell us that we look depressed.

Even if we’re cool with your telling us a girl is hot, remember who you’re coming home to.

Seventy-five percent of the sounds we make during sex are purely for you. That’s how much we care.

If you call the movies “the cinema,” we will only laugh. And laugh.

Surprise field trips are the best, even if it’s “guy stuff.” If we roll our eyes, it doesn’t mean we don’t love the effort.

These days, with Facebook, chances are we know your favorite band well before our first drink with you. Something to keep in mind.

The following posters on your wall are deal-breakers: Bob Marley playing soccer, Bob Marley exhaling, Bob Marley in green, yellow and/or red. Exemplars of the chill-bro variety are reserved, exclusively, for unwashed undergrads.

We prefer an arm around us to holding hands pretty much any day.

Hair starts growing in funny places when we turn fifty. Not much we can do about it.

Even the slightest idea of fashion can be very attractive.

We don’t actually wear matching bras and panties all the time. Shocking, we know.

It’s not that we like the flowers themselves, it’s that the flowers mean you’re thinking about us. And we love that.

We like it when you lend your favorite books to us. For several reasons.

It doesn’t matter what your chosen profession is, as long as you love what you do and do it with passion, and it’s legal and it doesn’t involve being in a production of the Lord of the Dance.

You cleaning your apartment is somehow incredibly sexy. Weird but true.

If we make it through an entire first date without seeing what color your iPhone case is, well, we just might fall in love.

Be careful: singing to us can be totally cute. But only if you can actually sing.

We think saying “ladies” at the end of any statement or question makes it kind of creepy.

If you meet us at a bar, please don’t say, “I’d like to see you without your glasses.” We could go blind, you know.

Sometimes we want to be treated like a princess. Sometimes, we want to be treated like a sex object. It’s up to you to figure out which of these we want to be at any given moment, because we certainly aren’t going to tell you.

We kind of wish we could chest-bump, too.

We appreciate when you keep your condoms within close reach from the bed so we don’t spend ten minutes waiting naked while you search the other end of the apartment.

We love hearing about your family. Even when it’s boring, it’s good to know you think about them.

We know it’s high maintenance, but, for the love of God, don’t sleep on the decorative pillows.

We don’t like it when you pull your shirt off from the front. Be a man and pull it over your head from the back.

We want you to never stop hunting us. Even if we married you. Remember why you got the gig. Don’t make the trailer the only fun in the whole production. That’s misleading.

Panties is a guy word. We call it underwear.

If something in your past will show up on a Google search, be prepared to explain it.

As little girls, we believe that you are gods. As young women, we learn that you are not. As older women, we try to put you back up there.

Meeting your friends for the first time is awkward enough, so we’d appreciate it if you didn’t get drunk.

Everything — from the funny joke you told to the way you dug food out of your back molar — gets discussed over coffee with our friends.

We all have an evil twin. Get to know her.

We never forget. It’s just not in our DNA to let things slide.

Sometimes we play the “you weren’t listening” card when we know very well we just never told you.

When you send us an e-mail of any substance, we forward it to at least four of our friends for explanation.

Men drink coffee, not skinny double-pump soy macchiatos. Ordering the latter doesn’t impress us; it makes us wonder if you’d rather be double-pumping your buddy Todd

We all have an evil twin. Get to know her.

Confidence, not arrogance.

Listen up.

Listen up.